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Dumb Mikey Gets Alligator Shoes – December 22, 2005

Dumb Mikey was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but we know how cheap he is and he was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming very frustrated with the ”no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, Mikey shouted, “Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”   The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”

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Determined, Mikey turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching himself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots Mikey standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward him. Mikey takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.  Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.  Just then, Mikey flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!”

Dumb Mikey Wins the Prize – December 1, 2005

Mikey was at McDonald’s the other day and purchased his favorite, a supersized hamburger happy meal. While sitting enjoying his meal, he notices that the cup that holds his milk has a peel-off prize sticker on the side. After pulling the tab, Mikey starts yelling, “I won a motor home!! I won a motor home!!”  The attendant runs over and tells Mikey, “Sir, you couldn’t have won a motor home, that wasn’t one of the prizes offered.”  But Mikey keeps insisting, “No, no, no . . . I won a motor home.”  So the manager comes out from around the counter and he tries to tell Mikey that a motor home was not one of the prizes.  Mikey is still adamant, “No, no, no . . . look at my ticket.”  The manager looks at the tab and reads, “Win a Bagel.”

 

Dumb Mikey Learns to Fly – November 17, 2005

Mikey wanted to learn how to sky dive so he went to the local airfield and started taking lessons.  On the morning of his first jump the instructor tells Mikey, “Ten seconds after you jump out of the airplane, pull this rip cord for the parachute.” He went on to explain that he would jump out right after him and they would go down together.

So up in the airplane they went and the instructor reminded Mikey to pull the rip cord after ten seconds.  Mikey jumps out of the airplane and after ten seconds, he pulls the rip cord.  The instructor then jumps out right after him and after ten seconds pulls his rip cord, but unfortunately, his chute does not open and he goes speeding past Mikey.  Seeing this, Mikey yelled, as he undid the straps to his chute, “So, you wanna race eh?”

 

Dumb Mikey and the Chain Saw – November 3, 2005

Dumb Mikey bought some property recently that he wanted to develop.  The land however was full of trees and had to be cut down.  Being Mikey, he decided he would save a few bucks if he cut the trees down himself.  So he goes out to the local big box hardware store to buy a saw.  At the store Mikey asks the advice of the salesperson and is told, “We have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and buy the top of the line.  This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood in one day for you.”  So Mikey buys the saw and off he goes.

The first day Mikey starts cutting down trees and after several hours, he only has two cords cut.  He thinks there is something wrong with the saw, but he tells himself, “I will start earlier tomorrow and see what happens.”  The next morning he gets up at 4 am and cuts wood all day long and into nightfall.  However, he had only managed to cut 5 cords of woods. Mikey is now convinced that the saw is bad and heads back to the hardware store where he sees the same dealer.  The dealer is baffled by Mikey’s claim, takes the saw out of the box and inspects it and everything looks fine.  He then starts the chainsaw up and Dumb Mikey looks at him and says, “What the heck is that noise?”

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Dumb Mikey Fights Off a Mugger – October 13, 2005

Dumb Mikey was walking along Wilson Blvd. in Arlington the other night when he was the victim of a couple of street muggers.  Mikey fought and fought and they were finally able to subdue him.  They pulled 57 cents from his pocket.  They asked him, “Why are you fighting so hard over 57 cents?”  Dumb Mikey replies, “Is that all you wanted? I thought you were after the $400 in my left shoe.”

Dumb Mikey Paints His House – October 13, 2005

Dumb Mikey decided he was going to paint his house himself to save some money, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend.  So the first day he paints the front of the house and all is well.  The second day, he only paints half of the left side of the house.  The third day he could only accomplish finishing the side he had started the day before. His girlfriend was dismayed and told him, “you know the first day you started out like gangbusters and finished the whole front of the house.”  She asked, “What did you lose your motivation when you started on the side of the house?”  Mikey looks at her, deadpan, and says, “It would take a professional painter just as long you know.  Everyday, I have to walk further and further to the paint can.”

 

 Dumb Mikey At His Job Interview – September 29, 2005

Mikey goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, can you tell us your age, please?"  Mikey counts carefully on his fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh .. 42!"  The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"  Mikey stands up and produces a measuring tape from his pocket, then traps one end under his foot and extends the tape to the top of his head.  Mikey checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot six!" 

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" Mikey bobs his head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to himself, before replying, "Mikey!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, Mikey. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Oh that!" replies Mikey, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...." 

 

Dumb Mikey Joins a Baseball Team – September 15, 2005

Mikey wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.  "I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the Mikey eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'?   Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" 

Next week, Mikey came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?"  Mikey said, "Two!"  "Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?"  "Today and Tomorrow!"  "Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?" "Twelve!"   "Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed.  "Well," said Mikey, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..."  "Um... OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"   "Oh, that is easy!" laughed Mikey. "Three hundred and sixty-five!"  "What?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?" To which Dumb Mikey sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee..."

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Dumb Mikey Rides a Horse – September 1, 2005

Mikey decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. He mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Mikey begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, he grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up his frail grip, Mikey leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup. He is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground again and again. As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Dumb Mikey Takes Credit Cards – July 20, 2005

Dumb Mikey was selling his trinkets at the local area flea market.  A man walked up and was admiring a reproduction print of a ship that Dumb Mikey had purchased for a few dollars at a local thrift shop.  “How much for the print,” the man says.  Mikey replies that the print is an original and could not let it go for less than $250. The man readily agrees and hands Mikey a credit card.  Mikey prints out the credit card receipt and hands it to the man for a signature. When he goes to compare the signature on the back of the credit card with the signature, he tells the guy, “hey, there is no signature on this card for me to verify it’s yours.”  So the man apologizes, takes back the credit card and promptly signs it.  Proud of himself, Mikey picks up the receipt and promptly compares the signature on the credit card to the one on the receipt.

 

Dumb Mikey and the Chain Saw – June 23, 2005

Dumb Mikey bought some property recently that he wanted to develop.  The land however was full of trees and had to be cut down.  Being Mikey, he decided he would save a few bucks if he cut the trees down himself. So he goes out to the local big box hardware store to buy a saw.  At the store Mikey asks the advice of the salesperson and is told, “We have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and buy the top of the line.  This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood in one day for you.”  So Mikey buys the saw and off he goes.

The first day Mikey starts cutting down trees and after several hours, he only has two cords cut.  He thinks there is something wrong with the saw, but he tells himself, “I will start earlier tomorrow and see what happens.”  The next morning he gets up at 4 am and cuts wood all day long and into nightfall.  However, he had only managed to cut 5 cords of woods. Mikey is now convinced that the saw is bad and heads back to the hardware store where he sees the same dealer.  The dealer is baffled by Mikeys claim, takes the saw out of the box and inspects it and everything looks fine.  He then starts the chainsaw up and Dumb Mikey looks at him and says, “What the heck is that noise?”

 

Dumb Mikey Buys a Bull – June 9, 2005

Mikey and his new girlfriend recently decided to purchase a farm in southern Virginia and with this farm they got a few head of cattle.  Noting that the cattle needed a little companionship, Mikey told his girl that he wanted to buy them a bull.  Knowing Mikey, his girlfriend told him, “Why don’t I go out and buy the bull.  When I find one, I will call you and you come on down with the trailer to pick him up.”  Mikey agrees and off she goes in search of a bull and she finally finds one in a remote ranch in North Carolina. 

However, the rancher did not have a phone and cell phones are useless in that area.  So the rancher told her to go into town and send a telegram.  She says, “great idea” and goes to town.  Upon arriving at the Western Union, she asks the guy behind the counter, “how much to send a telegram?”  To which he replies, its 75 cents per word.  Her being as cheap as Mikey, thinks about it for a minute and then says to the man, “okay, send Mikey one word only” and the man asks, “and what word would that be?” She says, “comfortable.” The man looks at her and says, “are you sure your boyfriend Mikey will understand that message.” “Sure,” she says, “Mikey reads so slow that when he gets this out, he will see, COM-FOR-DA-BULL.”

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Dumb Mikey Alias Dick Chaney – January 5, 2005

Mikey and his buddy Bill are out hunting in the woods, when all of a sudden, Bill collapses. His eyes have rolled up inside of his head and he does not appear to be breathing.  Mikey grabs his cell phone and immediately calls 911.  “911 Emergency, What is your emergency,” the operator answers.  Mikey is gasps, “My friend Bill is dead!! What can I do?”  In a smooth and calming voice, the operator tells Mikey, “Take it easy sir.  First, let’s make sure he is dead.” For a brief second there is a silence and then the operator hears a shot.  Mikey comes back to the phone and says to the operator, “Okay, now what?”